Comedy Jokes

A Man Walks Into a Hardware Store...

2010-09-02T09:24:00.002-04:00

Deli Wars

2010-08-10T09:49:00.000-04:00

A man walks into Joe's Deli every day for thirty years. When the customer doesn't come in one day, Joe is worried about his customer, "What could have happened to him? I hope he is okay."

When the customer doesn't come in the second day, Joe is even more upset. By the third day, Joe is pacing the floor about his dear customer and friend.

Then, Joe looks across the street and sees his dear customer sitting in the deli across the street. Joe is enraged. He throws down his apron and marches across the street, and storms into the deli, shouting at his lost customer, "How dare you!? I feed you like my own family, charge you next to nothing, take care of you for years, and you just walk out on me!?"

The customer says, "Relax, take it easy. I had a root canal. My dentist said that for a few days, I should eat on the other side."

Thanks to Mike Leiderman at Old Jews Telling Jokes.

A Man Walks Into a Pet Shop

2010-07-22T09:57:00.001-04:00

A lonely man walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot to keep him company. He finds a beautiful talking parrot, puts his money down, and brings the bird home.

The next morning, he says, 'Good morning,' to to the parrot. The parrot replies, "Drop dead!" The man is furious, and warns the bird never to talk that way again. The parrot spreads his wings, squawks at the man and says, "Drop dead!"

Enraged, the man stuffs the squawking, clawing, and biting parrot in the freezer to teach him a lesson. After a few minutes, he pulls the bird out. It's perfectly calm. He asks the bird, "Are you going to talk that way again?" The parrot shakes his head, looks toward the freezer and asks politely, "I have just one question. What did the chicken do?"

Where does rain come from?

2010-03-02T09:20:00.001-05:00

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
-Jack Handy

Filthy Pig Joke

2010-03-01T08:17:00.001-05:00

Bob, Billy Bob, and Bob Jr. go to the fair and see a largest pig contest. They want to enter to win next year so they go buy a pig and Billy Bob says, "We need to fatten him up so we will win." Bob Jr. says, "We can get him the best food out there that's what the show pigs eat." Billy Bob says, "No we dont have that kinda money." Bob Jr. says, "Candy! we can feed him candy and junk food." Billy Bob says, "No I GOT IT! Let's put this cork in him and that way what ever he eats it will stay." Both other brothers say that sounds like a good idea. So they feed this pig junk food with the cork in the for like 7 months and Bob Jr. says, "That don't look right im not pulling that cork out." And they all say, "I'm not either." Then they say, "Let's train your pet monkey to pull it out." So they teach the monkey with the sound of a bell to pull out the cork. So now 9 months goes by and the pig is ready. They take it to the fair and win. Standing behind their blue ribbon pig with the brothers, the judge rings his bell for the crowd. Well trained, the monkey jumps out of the bag before they can stop him, he pulls the cork and the pig explodes out the back end, burying the brothers and the judge in an avalanche. As they were on the way to the hospital Billy Bob says, "What happened?" Bob Jr. said, "All I remeber is that poor monkey trying to put the cork back in."

Thanks to Mike Bohne for contributing this truly filthy joke!

Amelia Earhart stamp

2010-02-26T14:27:00.000-05:00

Whatever you do-don't use that
Amelia Earhart Commemorative Stamp.
All my mail keeps getting
lost over the Bermuda Triangle.

Thanks and blame to
Jeff Lorber
www.lorbz.com for contributing!

Eggs in the closet

2010-02-24T18:42:00.000-05:00

Pastor is looking for his favorite golf shirt and goes all through the house but can't find it. He looks everywhere! Finally, he decides to look in his wife's closet and sees a bag of one dollar bills and half a dozen eggs. He is staring at these two items when his wife comes into the bedroom.She looks guiltily at him and says, "Oh. You found my secret." He looks at her then at the eggs and money and says, "What are these doing on the floor of your closet?" She says, "Now, honey. You know I think you are a great pastor and you have served faithfully for 27 years at our church. But when I felt your sermon wasn't so great, I put a single egg in the carton." The Pastor sighs and shrugs and says, "Well, I guess that's not so bad! 27 years of Sundays and there's only six eggs in the carton. But I still don't understand the bag of dollar bills." His wife looks at him and says sheephishly, "Well, everytime I got a dozen, I sold it for a dollar."

Thanks to Caitlin at Amans Entertainment, Christ-Centered Films, for contributing this knee-slapper!

Catholic puppies for sale

2010-02-24T14:44:00.000-05:00

A man was looking through the Sunday paper as he drank his coffee and noticed a peculiar ad. The ad stated, "Catholic puppies for sale". The ad also gave the name and contact information to anyone who may be interested in the puppies.

Two weeks later, the man was enjoying his usual Sunday paper and coffee when he came upon an ad stating, "Baptist puppies for sale". The man recalled the peculiar ad he had seen weeks earlier, and also noticed that the contact information, and number was the same as the Catholic puppy ad. Intrigued, the man called the number to speak to the the owner of the puppies. The owner answered, and was ask if he was the person who posted an ad 2 weeks ago for Catholic puppies, and posted the same ad this week for Baptist puppies. The owner said, "Yes, I am the person". The man then asked, "Well, whats the difference in the pups"? The owner said, "This week, they opened their eyes".

If you are deeply offended, blame Alan B. in Louisville, Kentucky who submitted this outrageous assault on our tender sensibilities.

A Man Walks Onto A Cruise Ship

2009-09-12T09:09:00.000-04:00

Amazed at his good fortune, a man bought a cruise ticket at the last minute for only $25. He proudly marched up the gangplank and handed his ticket to the crewman. The crew dragged him below deck, where they put him to work in the engine room with a few others. The crew whip and beat them to work faster, hour after grueling hour.

After a full day of hard labor and abuse, the crew served a pitcher of water and a basket of stale biscuits for dinner.

While the crew wasn't looking, the man whispers to the guy next to him, "This is my first trip on this cruise line. What's an appropriate tip?"

A Man Walks Into a Coffee Shop

2009-08-06T07:30:00.002-04:00

A guy walks into a coffee shop, and sits down with a fresh cup of coffee. The cell phone on the table starts ringing.

He answers it on speaker, "Hello?"
"Hi honey, you know that cruise I've been wanting to take? Well, I just got a call from our travel agent, and she says the price drops from $18,000 to $16,500 during the week of your business trip to New York. I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and booked it for myself. You're not angry are you?"
"Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy," the man answered. "In fact, go ahead and take the 30 day cruise." She squealed with excitement and thanked him profusely.

They said their goodbyes, and everyone in the coffee shop had gone stone quiet, listening to the conversation. The man closed the phone, looked around at all the people staring at him, and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

A Man Walks Into the Jungle

2009-07-17T12:23:00.003-04:00

In 1986, Chuck Krakowicz was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Chuck approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Chuck worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.Chuck stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Chuck never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Chuck was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Chuck and his son Buddy were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Chuck, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man…
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Chuck couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Chuck summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Chuck’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

An Italian Golfer Goes to the Doctor...

2009-07-10T09:13:00.006-04:00

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, went for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too...'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Talking Dog

2009-06-30T11:30:00.002-04:00

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

"Talking Dog For Sale "

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says. 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping'. 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

“Because he's a liar ..... He never did any of that stuff!”

Judge Mugged

2009-06-26T11:47:00.005-04:00

On the way to speak to a gathering of senior citizens concerned about crime, Judge Wempy was robbed at knife-point on the street. He gathered his composure, put himself back together, and went ahead with the meeting.

He explained to the crowd of seniors that he was the victim of violent crime for the first time in his life, and wouldn't let his anger affect his decisions from the bench. Judge Wempy waited for the applause, but the crowd was silent.

Finally and little old lady stood up and shook her fist and yelled, "Then rob him again!"

A Man Comes Home Early From Work

2009-06-25T19:30:00.001-04:00

Mr. Smith and Mr. Davis have been business partners for more than twenty years.

Until one day Mr. Smith arrived home early from work to find Mr. Davis with Mrs. Smith.

Mr. Smith dropped his briefcase in shock and said, "Davis! I have to -- but you?"

Blood Test

2009-06-18T15:30:00.001-04:00

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

A Man Walks Into a Doctor's Office

2009-06-16T15:30:00.003-04:00

A man walks into a doctors office, "Doctor, I've been having these gas attacks. They're noxious, but at least their silent so no one knows it's me. In fact doctor, you probably didn't notice, but I had another gas attack just while we were talking. What can you do for me?"

"Well," the doctor replied. "The first thing I'll prescribe for you is a hearing test."

A Man Walks into a Barber Shop

2009-06-16T07:30:00.001-04:00

A man walks into a barber shop, and tells the barber about his upcoming trip to Italy. The barber, who has been to Italy, starts insulting every decision the man made about his trip. "What airline are you taking?" the barber asks. "Air Italia," the man says.

"Oh Air Italia, it's awful, you'll be miserable. What a terrible choice. You should have asked me first. Where are you staying?"

"The Hess," the man sheepishly replied. "Oh the Hess, what a rat's nest! I hope you have bug repellent. What else are you doing?"

Now embarrassed, the man said, "We definitely want to see the Pope."

"Oh that's impossible! You'll be one of 10,000 people in a crowd, you won't even be able to tell which guy on stage is the Pope!"

A few weeks later, the man returned from his trip to Italy.

"Well, how'd it go," the barber asked smugly.

The man replied cheerfully, "It was wonderful! Air Italia was quick and accomodating, the Hess was clean and comfortable, and as luck would have it, we just happened to get the rare opportunity to meet the Pope in person!"

Now the barber is rocked back on his heels, "Well what did he say?"

The man said, "Well the Pope told me he's seen millions of men in the crowds that have gathered to hear him speak. But never has he seen a man with such an unfortunate haircut."

A Rabbi Walks Into a Diner

2009-06-15T19:30:00.001-04:00

Being an orthodox Jew all his life, a rabbi wants to know what all the fuss is about with pork. So he decides to try it, but needs to do it where his congregation won't see him. He travels 50 miles away, and steps into a diner and orders suckling pig. The waitress brings out a little pig on a plate with an apple in its mouth. Just as the rabbi is about to take his first bite, in walks Goldberg, the president of his congregation. Goldberg says, "Rabbi! What are you doing!?"

The rabbi looks up and says, "Goldberg. Can you believe the service in this place? I order baked apple, and this is how they serve it."

A Hollwood Producer Buys a Centipede

2009-06-13T07:30:00.002-04:00

A famous Hollywood producer walks into a bar, and is amazed to see a dancing singing centipede on the bar. It's smart too, answers questions, tells jokes, an amazing bug. Finally, the centipede takes a bow, and goes into his little house and closes the door.

The man is sure he could make a killing with the centipede making movies. So he says, "Hey Mr. Centipede, come out and I'll take you to dinner so we can discuss a business proposition." No answer.

He says it louder. Still, no response.

Now the guy is hopping mad, and bangs his fist on the bar shouting at the little centipede house. "You can't ignore me! Do you know who I am!? I'm the most powerful producer in Hollywood! We're talking millions of dollars, and you're just sitting there!"

Finally, the centipede opens the little door and says, "I heard you the first time, I'm just getting my shoes on!"

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

2009-06-11T18:00:00.002-04:00

A Government Inspector Walks Onto a Ranch

2009-06-10T09:00:00.001-04:00

A government inspector walks onto a ranch and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.

See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.

Have I made myself clear?

Do you understand'?

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

The bull is gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your card! Show him your card!"

A Man Walks Into a Rabbi's Office

2009-06-10T08:00:00.001-04:00

A man walks into a Rabbi's office... 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office...

2009-06-09T21:54:00.002-04:00

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office and says , 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'

'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'

Bill Murray vs. Steve Martin

2009-06-09T21:00:00.001-04:00

The Front Fell Off the Ship

2009-06-09T20:00:00.001-04:00

Two wrongs won't make a right, but three rights will make a left.

2009-06-09T19:00:00.000-04:00

Two wrongs won't make a right,
but three rights will make a left.

I never forget a face

2009-06-09T18:00:00.000-04:00

"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
Groucho Marx

How many list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

2009-06-09T15:00:00.000-04:00

Q: How many email list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light
bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about
the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
all use light bulbs and therefore the posts
**are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light
bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that
are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
them including all headers and footers, and then
add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
because they cannot handle the light bulb
controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

2009-06-09T14:30:00.000-04:00

When Hammer Pants Attack!

2009-06-08T20:00:00.000-04:00

MC Hammer Dancers Flash Mob a clothing store

mafia gardeners work smarter not harder

2009-06-08T13:00:00.000-04:00

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His Only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man Wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to Plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBIagents and local police arrived and Dug up the ! entire a rea without finding any bodies. They apologized to The old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter
From his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

worst math students get A's with right motivation

2009-06-08T11:30:00.001-04:00

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything
they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very
serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the
uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

When the funeral was over, lightning struck

2009-06-08T10:00:00.000-04:00

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, There was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

"Well, she's there."

my friend has a 400 pound parrot

2009-06-05T17:30:00.001-04:00

My friend has a 400 pound parrot.

It says, Polly want a cracker... NOW!

-- Henny Youngman

Golfer Kills Wife

2009-06-05T15:30:00.003-04:00

Husband and Wife golfing. His shot goes off into a barn. They find the ball. Wife suggests trying to hit it through the door. He does, and it ricochets off the wall and hits her in the head, kills her instantly.

He remarries, golfs same hole with new wife. Same errant shot occurs. New wife also suggests hitting it through the door. Husband angry waves her off, saying, "No way, last time I did that I took a 9 on the hole."

You've Got the Midas Touch

2009-06-05T14:00:00.001-04:00

You've got the Midas Touch.

Everything you touch turns into a muffler.

-- Henny Youngman

No One Listens to Me Doc!

2009-06-05T12:30:00.001-04:00

Patient: No one listens to me.

Psychiatrist: Next!

There's A Vehicle Going the Wrong Way on I-75!

2009-06-05T11:00:00.000-04:00

Man: calls home while driving.

Wife: Be careful! I'm watching the news, and there's a vehicle going the wrong way on I-75.

Man: one? there's hundreds of em!

Dropped Dead in the Garden Pulling Vegetables

2009-06-05T09:30:00.001-04:00

Widow: My husband was pulling vegetables from the garden for our church potluck dish, he dropped dead.

Friend: Oh my, what did you do?

Widow: Oh I had some frozen peas.

Hello, 911? I found a dead guy on Defunyiac Street

2009-06-05T08:00:00.001-04:00

Caller: Hello, 911? I found a dead guy on Defunyiac Street

911: How do you spell that?

Caller: D E F U N... E... wait... Y... no... hang on, I'll call you back in a few minutes

911: what's wrong?

Caller: It'll take me a few minutes to drag this guy over to Oak Street.

I Got The Best Hearing Aid Money Can Buy!

2009-06-04T22:30:00.001-04:00

Old Man: "I got the best hearing aid money can buy!"

Wife: "What kind is it?"

Old Man: "Half past four!"

-- Henny Youngman

my doctor told me he'd make me walk again

2009-06-04T19:30:00.000-04:00

My doctor told me he'd have me walking in an hour.

Then he stole my car.

-- Henny Youngman

My Foot Hurts, What Should I Do?

2009-06-04T19:00:00.000-04:00

Patient: "My foot hurts. What should I do?"

Doctor: "Limp."

- Henny Youngman

Patient Dies Walking Out of Doctor's Office

2009-06-04T18:30:00.001-04:00

Nurse: "Doctor! A patient just died walking out of your office!"

Doctor: "Turn him around."

-- Henny Youngman