Cuban 911

An American visiting Cuba is telling his hosts about some of his country's technological breakthroughs. The Cubans are especially impressed with the advances in telephone services.

"...and in the United States, if you dial 9-1-1 from any telephone in the country, the call is automatically directed to the nearest police station, you are identified and the call is recorded."

"Oh, that's nothing," says one of the Cubans. "Here in Cuba, that happens and you don't even have to dial 9-1-1."

In Cuba, gluttony isn't a sin...

It's a miracle.

The Return of Napoleon

Napoleon came back to life in the mid-1980's and held a secret meeting with the leaders of the world. He addressed each individually.

"Monsieur Gorbachev, he began, "if I had your prudence, I never would have fought in Waterloo."

"Monsieur Reagan, if I had your military might, I would have been victorious at Waterloo."

"Monsieur Castro," he continued, "If I had your Granma newspaper, no one ever would have learned of my defeat at Waterloo."

Why are there no swimming pools in Cuba?

Because everyone who knows how to swim has already left the island.

A Man Walks Into a Hardware Store...

Deli Wars

A man walks into Joe's Deli every day for thirty years.  When the customer doesn't come in one day, Joe is worried about his customer, "What could have happened to him? I hope he is okay."

When the customer doesn't come in the second day, Joe is even more upset.  By the third day, Joe is pacing the floor about his dear customer and friend.

Then, Joe looks across the street and sees his dear customer sitting in the deli across the street.  Joe is enraged. He throws down his apron and marches across the street, and storms into the deli, shouting at his lost customer, "How dare you!?  I feed you like my own family, charge you next to nothing, take care of you for years, and you just walk out on me!?" 

The customer says, "Relax, take it easy.  I had a root canal.  My dentist said that for a few days, I should eat on the other side."

Thanks to Mike Leiderman at Old Jews Telling Jokes.

A Man Walks Into a Pet Shop

A lonely man walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot to keep him company.  He finds a beautiful talking parrot, puts his money down, and brings the bird home.

The next morning, he says, 'Good  morning,' to to the parrot.  The parrot replies, "Drop dead!"  The man is furious, and warns the bird never to talk that way again.  The parrot spreads his wings, squawks at the man and says, "Drop dead!"

Enraged, the man stuffs the squawking, clawing, and biting parrot in the freezer to teach him a lesson. After a few minutes, he pulls the bird out. It's perfectly calm.  He asks the bird, "Are you going to talk that way again?" The parrot shakes his head, looks toward the freezer and asks politely, "I have just one question. What  did the chicken do?"